Smoothies Without Acquiring Debt

“And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you.”

– Nietzsche (Beyond Good and Evil: Prelude to a Philosophy of Future (1886), Chapter IV. Apophthegms and Interludes, §146)

At some point in life we realize: “I am going to be a proper adult and eat veggies and fruit”. However, due to time constraints we can’t slow cook carrots in the juices of a sunday roast on a Wednesday night. Cabbage drenched in a pint of beer sauce isn’t going to unclog any arteries either.

The Competition

Low and behold, “green” companies have filled this void with overpriced smoothies in glass bottles branded with cheeky slogans.

For a startup office these might bolster their image to attract interns so they can pay them in Instagram dopamine (guilty myself), but for a private consumer they “serve no purpose” (cf. Internet Shaquille)

These companies are so confident that optimized tech lads will continue purchasing their products, so wait for it; they actually post the ingredients on their website.

Having exhausted ALL alternatives that don’t include eating 2 liters of floaty leaves and paying 11$ for a laxative I hath decided to bless thy precious 6h daily internet quota with a Price-Performance-Taste (PPT) optimized recipe.

Step by Step Guide

Step 1: Wash and dice veggies and fruit



Step 2: Transfer into blender

Price = 9 x pints

A worthwhile investment for anybody who wants to unfuck the body that carries their fucked mind.

Step 4: Add liquid of choice

Step 5: Blend

1,50 Euros per serving

Step 6: Scream your drinking chant of choice; Throw your neck back, let the smoothie roll down the back of your throat.

ProTip: Next Friday night observe your drinking buddy “indulging” in muddy 2 Euro tequila shot for that quintessential A+ execution.


To follow up on the quote that commenced this post, there is a modern adaptation of Nietzsche’s words that applies figuratively and literally.

“Der Mensch ist, was er ißt.”

[You are what you eat.]

We are the monsters.

One thought on “Smoothies Without Acquiring Debt

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